This Was 36

In the past year on The Huffington Post, there have been a number of posts  by writers I admire encapsulating what their current age “is” to them:  Lindsey Mead with This Is 38, Emily Mendell, This Is 45, and Allison Tate, This is 39. These lovely pieces made me laugh, cry, but most of all….reflect.

Thursday is my 37th birthday.

I feel a lot of resistance to writing about 36. I am not one to look back or dwell on what was.  I am the client who says to the therapist, “Oh do we really need to get into all of that?”

I’d rather look to the future – to all the possibilities that lie ahead.  I think this is because I don’t like to be sad.  Because when I get sad, I get REALLY SAD.  And I am scared that if I go down that hole, I will never claw my way out.

But as I sit here right now, straddling two ages….I can’t help but think you need to reflect upon where you have been in order to know where you want to go. See? I’m more mature already!  And it’s not even Thursday yet.

This is me on my 36th birthday.  It was taken at a beach party in Scituate that was actually for the 4th of July, but I pretended was just for me.  It was a magical evening.  I look really happy because I was.  I felt 100% alive.   IMG_2392

For me, 36 was about my family: Phil, Emma, and Phoebe, and until January, our dog Ellie. This is the family I co-created, and before this year I am not sure I really grasped the hugeness of that – the beauty and joy and bring-you-to-your-knees challenges of having your own independently run familial operation.  Which is what we became when we moved from Philly to Scituate, MA, a town where we knew not a soul.

36 was “just us.”  A kamikaze trust mission. 36 was not running away from an argument because you are 30 minutes from the nearest Target and you forget where it is, exactly.

36 was realizing that sometimes you need to be the strong one.  36 was being the glue, the one that held things together.  It felt good to be the glue for a change.

36 was being a cheerleader; it was being more Tigger and less Eeyore.  36 was saying, “We can do this!” when you want to say, “Do we know what we’re doing?”  It felt good to be a Tigger for a change.

36 was being a caretaker.  It was spoon feeding your kid ice cream when she breaks her leg.

IMG_270036 was playing Barbies on the couch for hours.  It was using a chopstick to scratch that itch inside her cast, even though the doctor told you not to. 36 was spray painting a wagon Caribbean Blue so she could still perform her duties as flower girl at your best friend’s wedding.


36 was saying you weren’t going to cry at your best friend’s wedding, but then crying tears of happiness the entire weekend.

You remember all the years you didn’t cry at all, because you were just kinda numb.  So at 36, you are grateful for the tears, for the best friend singing Bon Jovi with the band, for the ability to feel real joy for someone else, all the way down to your french manicured bridesmaid toes.  Because for so many years you stood slightly outside the joy; you didn’t think you deserved to be in it.  At 36, you know that was a lie; that the only one who kept you on the bench was yourself.  So now you jump into the joy.

IMG_278836 was loving a dog through her final days, even though you never thought of yourself as a “dog person.”  It was letting her make out with you until you broke out in hives, letting her eat people food and lifting her up on the couch so she could watch TV.

IMG_348936 was lying on the floor with her in the vet’s office, crying and whispering “I Love you, Ellie-Dog” over and over and over until it was…over.  Your heart is broken, but you would do it all over again in a New York minute.  At 36, you see the tender beauty in having your heart broken.  At 36, you know this is a gift.

36 was about dreaming big.


36 was learning that sometimes dreams change.  Sometimes dreams become a horse of a different color. And you just have to roll with it.  You have to believe that the real dream is bigger and better than the one you manifested in your mind.


36 was wanting everyone to be ok.  And trying to make everything ok for everyone.  And then realizing that sometimes you can’t.  And you just have to roll with that, too.

37 will be different; I can already feel the shift.

Phil is finding his groove at work; he has his helmet on.  He is in it to win it.  He will be ok.

The girls are finding their feet back in PA.  Summer has healing powers.  They swim, do yoga in the driveway, sell lemonade on the corner.  I am amazed by their resilience.  They will be ok, too.


And when school starts, Phoebe will be in all-day kindergarten.  Those precious years of just her and I are behind me.  My little buddy, my co-pilot, my Pandora DJ.


So that leaves….me.

Me at 37.

I think it’s gonna be good.

I’ve got some ideas.

Stick around. I’ll let you know how it all shakes out.







My Writing Process

“Writing isn’t about making money, getting famous, getting dates, getting laid, or making friends. In the end, it’s about enriching the lives of those who will read your work, and enriching your own life, as well. It’s about getting up, getting well, and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Getting happy.”  -Stephen King


I am flattered and excited to be a part of a “blog hop” of different writers blogging about why they write, and how they do it.  Jessica Barlevi Halpeis of Nourished Mom was kind enough to ask me to join in.  I said yes immediately, before I was exactly sure what I was saying yes to, because I trust Jessica and find her writing inspiring.  Besides having a very clear and endearing writing voice, I see Jessica as a true seeker.  She can take a seemingly ordinary topic and dig so deeply into it that I feel like I am Alice chasing the rabbit down the rabbit hole.  Her writing is complex, full of light and dark, and committed to finding the core nugget of truth in every piece she writes.

So….here are my answers to the questions circling the blogosphere:

What am I working on?

Why does this question make me panic? I guess my answer depends on your definition of “working on.” I always have a bunch of ideas floating around, either in my head or scribbled in the back of notebook. I have some essays that I have started but remain in various states of revision; I am not sure if this is because I have short attention span or if they are still marinating. There are many things I would like to write but I am not ready yet, meaning, I don’t have the emotional distance to give the piece enough depth and perspective. There’s still too much “me” in it.

I only post one blog entry a week, and for me, that is plenty. It consumes most of my writing time, not to mention my head space. I have a hard time working on multiple pieces simultaneously. I wish I could say I just fire something off for the blog each week, but….no. I am a slow writer, and a perfectionist, so I will use as much time as I have before posting each Thursday morning. I give myself a deadline of 9:00, and even then, I don’t feel ready. Like Lorne Michaels says at Saturday Night Live, “We don’t go on because we are ready. We go on because it’s 11:30.”

How does my work differ from others of its genre?

Do I have a genre? I have a blog, but I am reluctant to call myself a blogger, because I only post once a week, and I am still such a newbie to the blogosphere. I still don’t feel cool or witty enough for Twitter. I have deep admiration for people who can really nail a Tweet. It’s a skill.

So it’s hard to say what makes me different from anyone else, because how can you compare? Women or mothers who blog may have similar issues or experiences, but the voice, the details, the perspective – all the things that make up good writing – are unique. What I can say about my own personal voice is that I am almost completely filterless. That doesn’t mean I don’t edit – I can hack away at an essay until it becomes something else entirely.

But what I write comes from a true place, a place of transparency. And I always try to find the humor in any situation, or as we call in my house, finding the funny. I have to find ways to laugh at myself, and life in general. Otherwise I would need to be heavily medicated.

Why do I write what I do?

I write because I am in search of something. Why did this happen? Why do I feel this way? What meaning can be made from this?

This has always been my reason for writing, but when my friend Emily asked me to blog with her at Mothers of Brothers, she gave me a tremendous gift: an audience. Creating something with the intention of sharing it – whether or not anyone actually reads it – has deepened my writing tremendously. I still write in a journal, but re-reading what I write is tortuous. But I believe there is a place for being whiney and narcissistic. Just not a public place.

Writing for an audience motivates me to be the best version of myself. It forces me to find the deeper story…the universal motivation or longing…the redemption. If I can’t find redemption or humor in a story or situation, I know I am not ready to write about it. But mostly I write to combat loneliness and isolation. To feel less freakish. The first time someone said to me, “You write exactly what I am feeling but am scared to say,” my heart grew three sizes. Suddenly I felt connected. I went from standing slightly outside the world to being in it. Writing does that for me – pulls me out of isolation, out of hopelessness, out of the pit of whoa-is-me. All the things Prozac was supposed to do for me but didn’t.

How does your writing process work?

I think about writing way more than I actually write. I think of ideas when I am running, or driving, or in the shower. I scribble things down on napkins, on the back of magazines or my children’s drawings, and on Post-its. So many Post-its.

Our house has a space for “my office” but somehow I always end up at the kitchen table. It drives me husband crazy – all my books and Post-its everywhere, my dirty looks when the kids are shrieking or the Phillies game is blaring. “Go. To. Your. Office,” he says.

Just recently, my aunt told me a funny story about my mom. My mom was a very serious student but insisted on doing her homework at the kitchen table. Despite the kitchen being the central hub of a house, she would get bent out of shape when anyone – her three siblings, their friends, my grandparents, etc – disrupted her. One day, when the kitchen was bustling with people and activity, she reached her breaking point. She slammed her book shut and announced: “I simply can not work in these chaotic conditions!” In response, my grandfather started a conga line around the table, chanting, “Cha-otic! Cha-otic! Cha-otic Conditions!”

I am my mother’s daughter, I suppose. We want solitude yet we don’t want to miss anything.

To write well I need I total silence. On Thursday mornings -the morning I post my blog – I get up around 4:30 in the morning. I am the clearest at this early hour; the house is still and free of chaotic conditions. I wish I could say I sat down everyday at a desk in my office from 9-3. This is my goal. But I am not there yet. I don’t know why I am resistant to it. Well, maybe I do. To claim my space as a writer is to actually say, “I am a writer.” And I not quite brave enough to say that…yet. I am getting close, though.

I am very excited to “tag” my good friend Emily to answer these same questions next week.  I actually took a writing class with Emily many moons ago, and ended up co-blogging with her at Mothers Of Brothers.  Emily is a an accomplished writer, amazing mother, career woman, and skilled juggler of all.  But to me, she is an irreplaceable friend.  So check out her blog for her answers next week!

Emily Mendell is the co-founder of where she has been blogging since 2008. She is a contributor to Huffington Post and her work has appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer, and Chicken Soup for the Soul, A Tribute to Moms. She has been working in the venture capital industry since 2001 where she focuses on communications. Emily lives outside Philadelphia with her husband two teenage sons.